Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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