okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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