Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
