I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
