Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
