im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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