I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
You smell like stripper and shame
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
