I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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