a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
