I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
