you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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