Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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