and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
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All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
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Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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