Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
