what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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