Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
