so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
