Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
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