the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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