There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
