oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
