i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
