Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
