i think my mom watched the whole time
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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