Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
