This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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