Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
