I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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