bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
