Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
