Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
