so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
