just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
