I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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