Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
