I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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