I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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