so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
