She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
