just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
