I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Randomize
