Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Randomize
