I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
