i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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