It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
