I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
