have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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