the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
