Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
