my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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