I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
