I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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