Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
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U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
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The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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