Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
she smelled like a LAN party
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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