Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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