I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
