bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
